Last night was one of the more frustrating nights of my life. In comparison to the real sucky nights of life it doesn't compare, but in isolation it really sucked. It's not the event that I am going to described that was the downer. It was what was going on in my head during the event. I guess I'll share both although I'm a little embarassed from the latter.
Last night after work, I stopped at the grocery store. Lindsay has a cold and we ran out of kleenexes. We were also out of bread. I picked up a few other items that we needed like frozen vegetables, apples, bananas, and one item we didn't need, a bag of pumpkin seeds. I like to snack on them on the way home and they are very cheap.
I got back into the car and drove my normal route home. I turned down the normal back road that I turn down, all the while eating my pumpkin seeds. Apparently, the process of eating the pumpkin seeds caused me to go left to center two times. At least that is what the cop said when he pulled me over. He also informed me that my plates were expired. That one was news to me, and bad news at that. So I received my first ticket of my life. Something I never wanted to do. I try hard to obey traffic laws. But I'm a failure. I guess it is the same way with trying to be holy. It is only through the blood of Christ that I can truly be who God wants me to be. More frequently I am a failure when it comes to holiness.
Anyway, I'm a little ashamed of sharing this, but you guys come and read my rants almost every day. You might as well be allowed a glimpse of another part of my life, my financial life. It shouldn't be more secret than my spiritual life, but it seems much more so.
Lindsay and I are struggling to make ends meet. And with winter coming up and the propane tank needing to be filled another time, we will be in even more dire straits than we currently are. It doesn't help that our better car needs to be taken to the shop because it is leaking power steering fluid. But every month we seem to fall deeper and deeper into credit card debt. The only frivolous expense I can find in our budget is the internet for $9.99/month. We don't buy much else. I did join Sound & Spirit, but we haven't bought anything yet. I did purchase Greek resource books (but those were paid for by my mom for Christmas). We haven't purchased a new book since June, haven't been out on a date since we moved from Lansing a year, and a half ago (partly due to Eli breastfeeding), haven't even bought the plastic to put on our windows for the winter to save heat, we haven't done anything. Now, with me going to get my allergies removed we're really screwed (of which the first two appointments were paid by mom because she wanted to encourage me to go), but I don't want to spend my life going to bed between 6-8 because of exhaustion. I need to get it fixed. And with another $190 bill plus plates and a title (we can't find it - don't even know for sure if it was ever tranferred from my father's name to ours) I don't know what we're going to do. Although the people in our life that can't afford it the most have already volunteered to give us $250, it still doesn't solve the monthly process of not making ends meet.
God seems to always provide. My pants get ruined at work sometimes and I was beginning to run low on stainless pants when I was contemplating how we would get another pair (why are pants called pairs when they're only one item? Is a pant just the leg?). When my uncle stopped by with a brand new pair of dockers that he said was a gift to him but they just didn't fit. They fit me perfectly. Then I had to get long-sleeved shirts ready for winter. I didn't have enough. I began contemplating on where the money would come to buy new shirts when last week my brother came over with shirts he was going to give to Goodwill. Now I'm set on shirts. God always provides, although it seems like for the last year it has been about $100 or more short a month. Maybe if we didn't put groceries on our charge cards someone would just stop over and give us meals. I guess I'm not that trusting.
Now, I know I'm not supposed to worry. However, I do wonder what I am supposed to do. Do I need to find a different job in order to better provide for my family? That is what was running through my head last night. I've been pounding my head on trying to find different avenues of making money on the side. I can't come up with any that are working. I just don't know what God wants me to do. (And for those of you that believe God doesn't have a will for people's lives, now isn't the time to inform me of that. I already know all the arguments. Thanks.)
So I'm left frustrated and hopeless about our financial future. I don't want to leave my father's business but would. I feel sort of tugged back into the ministry, which insanely pays more, but I don't want my church search to be like a businessman trying to find a job and submitting resumes all over the place. I want to be guided where to go. I'm frustrated and poorer.
Three crazy days in a row. Hopefully today will be better, or at least cheaper.
Watch out for the potholes, especially if you're eating pumpkin seeds.
