Saint Francis is famous for saying, “Preach the gospel at all times. Use words
if necessary.” He's emphasizing a great point that our actions need to be in sync with the gospel. We must always love others and show God's love with the way we live. But we also
must speak the Gospel, especially when given a teachable moment or a
special opportunity. Unfortunately, I think the idea behind this phrase in these times is often used as a cop-out to just be bold to silently do loving actions. We get it honestly as an overreaction to the "shove it in your face" Christianity that some exhibit, but in the process we lose something important: the actual good news, the gospel.
Because at some point, actions need to be explained with words. A
conversation has to happen. So I would twist Francis’ quote and say, "Preach the gospel. And it’s necessary to use words.” At some
point we have to tell them the story of Jesus and God’s plan for our lives.
It may be three years after being their loving neighbor rather than the first
time that we meet them. Once we set the stage as people of love, we will eventually earn the
right to speak to people about the most important, life changing news they will
ever hear. The life of Jesus shows us that there's never a change of mind
unless there's a change of heart, and there will never be a change of heart
without a conversation between trusted friends.
Revelation from God is generally divided into two different types.
One is general revelation. These are the things that we can observe
about God if we are looking - things that we realize just from the
beauty of nature and living our lives. Then there is special revelation.
This is the message that God has given to us through the Bible. You
see, when we just love people, they may get the general revelation. But
it is through speaking the message of Jesus - a message that isn't
shared through just loving people - that those around us can be brought
into a right relationship with God through Jesus. We are the people who
the special revelation will enter the lives of those around us through.
General revelation was nature, and it can teach general things about
God. Special revelation is the Bible and it can teach us specific things
about God and Jesus. Because here is the thing, we're Christians. We
don't buy into this idea that every religion has the same God. We don't
buy into the idea that everything we can know about God can be learned
through nature. We're Christian. We believe that God came down in the
flesh and lived among us as Jesus. When he was here, he taught people
how to live. These words are recorded through the writings of people
inspired by God through Scripture. And we believe that this is the case
for all of Scripture. God spoke through people to give us specific
revelation. Revelation that just nature itself and living itself does
not contain.
Now, your love is a lot like the general revelation. It can only
teach general things about God. But your words, when laced with
Scripture and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, are the special
revelation. They contain the life and message of Jesus.
What I see happen a lot these days is that we have a tendency to throw
the special revelation away and just focus on general revelation. We
would much rather love than speak truth at all. And because of this, the
church then becomes just a social club or another charity in town. It's a place where we do good
things to the community from. It's a place where we raise up our kids to
live good, moral, and upstanding lives. But this is not the purpose of
the church. Oh, these things should be happening through the church, but the
purpose of the church is specifically linked to the special revelation
we have from God. It's linked to love, that's true. But it's linked to
teaching also. Teaching and love. As the apostle John wrote, "Deed and
truth."
Because life-changing doesn't typically happen until words are
spoken. Love opens the door, but words bring the special. And speaking
those words at the right time is a bold thing to do for some. For
others, they just utter them and waste them all the time, thinking that
speaking is all that matters.
Think of it like visiting someone to have a meaningful conversation.
People who just aggressively share the words of the Gospel would be like
a person who just yells from outside without being invited in. I've
heard enough stories of people who hide from the knocks of Jehovah's
Witnesses to know that we need to build relationships these days to
actually have a chance to have our message heard. People know that the
way you actually live doesn't lie.
It's sort of like how we learn a burner on the stove is hot. Some of
us actually have had to touch one because we didn't trust the
instructions not to. For others, someone saying, "That's hot, don't
touch" is good enough. Now, I understand that this illustration fails in
regards to totally explaining special revelation because special
revelation gives us teachings that can't be scientifically proven. But
words can do a lot to help us live the right way without having a lot of
the consequences we might have otherwise. That's why God viewed coming
down as Jesus and inspiring people to write Scripture as necessary.
If you're sharing the gospel verbally and it's not showing fruit, I
would guess that it may because you aren't living a loving life. But if
you are loving and don't see the fruit from your labor, I would surmise
that it is because you don't ever intersperse words into your love. When
the opportunity arises to move from love to words, you must seize that
opportunity and speak. Share the special revelation of Jesus that we
only know through the Bible. They aren't going to believe those
teachings naturally. You have to intervene, just like Jesus intervened
into the world to bring His special revelation.
Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth (1 John 3:18 ESV).
That is the story we should be talking about. That little
light that came into the world. That ministry of hope and reconciliation. That is
the story. A different story. A better story. But that is not the story that
dominates the headlines. That's not the story that controls our Facebook feeds.
The story that informs our conversations with people. No, the story that we
hear all around us centers on fear, on safety, on anger, or on revenge.
Every crazy and disturbing comment you read on Facebook,
every discouraging conversation with someone who claims to be a Christian, and every
brazen refusal to obey Jesus you encounter comes because that person has bought
into a false narrative. People think that this false story is the godly story.
That God approves of this story. But God doesn’t. We’ve misunderstood the story
and as a result, we have lived wrongly. Our job is to tell a different story, a
better story—the story of God coming in the flesh and beginning the process of
restoration.
People have just bought into a wrong story. They believe an Orwellian idea that
peace comes about through force. That love is weak. That evil must be used to
overcome evil. We share a different story.
As we're entering the Christmas, it's as appropriate a time as any to talk about the Incarnation. The story of the
Incarnation is the story of the Bible. Incarnation is the embodiment of
something in another form. It's the churchy word for God coming down in the
flesh as Jesus. Because God the Father really has no normal physical form, at
least that we know of. He is a spiritual being and doesn’t look like anything
until He becomes incarnate in another form. A burning bush, fire on top of a
mountain, lightning and thunder. God comes on the scene, appears in some form,
and incarnation happens. We don’t always understand it—how it happens—that’s
why it is a mystery. But we understand why. God appears and manifests himself
in order to make a difference.
The story of incarnation is the story of restoration—God
coming into our midst and making things better. God did it in the story of Adam
and Eve, when he empowered them to be fruitful and multiply and fellowshipped
with them in the Garden. God did it with Abraham when he appeared and blessed
Abraham so that Abraham and his offspring could bless the entire world. God did
it with Moses, when he appeared in a burning bush and said he had heard the cry
of the Israelite slaves and would break their chains. God did it when he
appeared on top of Mount Sinai and gave the Law so that they could worship him
and love one another. God did it when he aided the Israelites in their efforts
to enter into the Promised Land and set them up as the people of the land.
Every one of those was a response to the sin that had marred the world. Every
incarnation of God was an attempt to restate the Divine Story that had been
ignored, forgotten, and rejected. They are attempts to restore things to their
perfected state. And in everyone of those stories, people failed to do their
end of the bargain. They lacked faithfulness to God causing things to remain broken.
And the same thing happened when the Kingdom of Israel was
established. They did not live in their purpose. They looked to idols and other
gods for safety and security and prosperity. They sold out their story. And so
God sent the prophets to convict and indict in the hope that they would be
restored back to him.
This was true in the time of Isaiah and God spoke through
him to address it,
The LORD has said to me in the strongest terms: “Do not
think like everyone else does. Do not be afraid that some plan conceived behind
closed doors will be the end of you. Do not fear anything except the LORD
Almighty. He alone is the Holy One. If you fear him, you need fear nothing
else. He will keep you safe” (Isaiah 8:11-14a NLT).
Then he contrasts the way things should be with the way
things are:
And when they say to you, “Inquire of the mediums and the
necromancers who chirp and mutter,” should not a people inquire of their God?
Should they inquire of the dead on behalf of the living?To the teaching and to the testimony! If they
will not speak according to this word, it is because they have no dawn.They will pass through the land, greatly
distressed and hungry. And when they are hungry, they will be enraged and will
speak contemptuously against their king and their God, and turn their faces
upward.And they will look to the earth,
but behold, distress and darkness, the gloom of anguish. And they will be
thrust into thick darkness (Isaiah 8:19-22 ESV).
There is no dawn. That's sad. I don't know how they keep
their dishes clean.
Seriously, it's amazing how timely and pertinent those words are. They are
applicable today just as much as they were 2,700 years ago. In a world of
turmoil and distress, everyone is looking for answers. Answers that will calm
our fears. Assure us of the future. And because we have believed the false
story, we go to all the wrong places. In Isaiah’s day instead of going to God,
they went to mediums and necromancers. Now, mediums and necromancers aren't all
that prominent. But we also have our places that teach things contrary to God.
We may got to politicians or celebrities for hope. And the principle is that if
we go to a place that isn't teaching the things of God to learn the basic
principles of how to live our life, then we will be living our life out of step
with God. Because the only thing to be found in the wrong places is more
darkness. They have no dawn as Isaiah said. There is no light in them.
And while it is not terribly helpful to set up an “us vs.
them” mentality, it is even more destructive just accepting everything that the
world tells us is right. Swallowing the fear that the world wants us to have.
Kindling the hate that they want us to have. The reality is, our thinking is
contrary to their thinking. Just like it was for God's people in the days of
Isaiah. We don’t think like everyone else does. We don’t fear the things the
world does. We don’t revere the things the world does. We don’t look for
solutions the way the world does. We are to be different than the world, so we
don’t react and retaliate the way the world does. Because you won’t find a
happy ending in the story the world wants us to live. They have no dawn.
Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only
light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
And faced with a world that has a story that really doesn't
bring hope, it's in the Incarnation that we find an alternative story. A way of
light and love in the midst of all this darkness.
John begins his Gospel by telling this story:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God,
and the Word was God.He was in the
beginning with God.All things were made
through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made.In him was life, and the life was the light
of men... And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his
glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:1-4, 14 (ESV)
Just like God had done numerous times before in the days of
the Israelites, God showed up to clean up our mess. The light entered into our
darkness. God wrapped himself in flesh and came down into our world. And the
reason was the same as it was during every incarnation before—to restore all
things. To bring the wayward child home. To give us hope and a future.
Ronald Wallace in Elijah and Elisha describes our situation
with the following:
"We need not
despair when we see great movements of evil achieving spectacular success on
this earth, for we may be sure that God, in unexpected places, has already
secretly prepared His counter-movement...Therefore the situation is never
hopeless where God is concerned. Whenever evil flourishes, it is always a
superficial flourish, for at the height of the triumph of evil God will be
there, ready with His man and His movement and His plans to ensure that His own
cause will never fail."
When everything looked dark; when all hope seemed to be
lost; when the story was almost forgotten, God stepped in. Galatians 4:4 says
that at just the right time, God sent his Son. God’s solution was wrapping his
divinity with humanity in the person of Jesus.
God wanted us back. God wanted to restore things to the way
they used to be. When God created, God loved it all. He declared it good. God
loved us. Life ran perfectly. We were in a perfect relationship with him and
one another. We had perfect purpose. Perfect provision. Perfect protection from
anything bad. It was even perfect in that we had a choice to keep it that way.
But humanity chose poorly then and we choose poorly now. It’s not at all like
it once was. We're starting from a fallen state this time, but God wants to set
it right again. That’s the process of restoration. And that is the goal of incarnation—for
God to reconcile people back to Himself. To take us out of the darkness. To
show us what it means to really live—free from fear, free from slavery to sin,
free from hate. The incarnation is a story of passion. Jesus took on flesh so
that people could see God as he really is and see how God wants us to live.
God is still doing the same thing through you, through me,
and through all who believe and follow the divine story.
Twenty years ago, when I was in college, the WWJD bracelets
were all the craze. Everyone would wear them. The concept behind the bracelets
was a good thing. It was a constant reminder to do what Jesus would have us do.
Of being a light in this dark world.
The incarnation does not end with Jesus. It continues through us as we embrace
the story of light. Jesus was sent not just for salvation, but as Dallas
Willard has said, “Jesus teaches you to live your life as He would live your
life.”
And this is the point of the incarnation. This is the point
of us surrendering to Jesus. We echo the words he said in the garden before His
suffering, "Not my will but yours be done."
Even on the cross he showed us a different way when he said,
"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34a ESV).
He taught us, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall
be called sons of God" (Matthew 5:9 ESV).
And one of the more challenging teachings: “You have heard
that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray
for those who persecute you,so that you
may be sons of your Father who is in heaven" (Matthew 5:43-44 ESV).
He's setting up a different story.
The world says to not forgive. The world says to retaliate. The world says that
blessed are the conquerors. The world says to hate our enemies. But Jesus gives
us a different story. Which story are we going to buy into? Which one are we
going to live our lives centered on?
There always seems to be this flirtation in Christianity
with an easy faith. You raise your hand, say a prayer, or get baptized and you
have given your life to Jesus. But that just isn't the totality of it all.
Sure, raise your hand and proclaim your faith. Say a prayer and ask for
forgiveness of your sins. Get baptized as a joining of you in the death and
resurrection of Jesus. Those are good things, but those things in themselves
don't make us Christians. We are Christians because we have decided that Jesus'
plan for our lives and this world is better than the best plans we can come up
for ourselves. His story is better than our stories. Being a Christian, means
loving the people that Jesus loves. It means living the way that Jesus wants us
to live. It means buying so much into Jesus' idea for this world that we
sacrifice our own lives - our own plans and desires- our time and our energy - we sacrifice it all
to follow Jesus. And we don't let the modern-day mediums or necromancers who
may be talking heads on the television, scholars who have written books, a well-intentioned
yet misguided friend, or anyone else steer us away from passionately pursuing
the things of Jesus over the things of this world.
If you haven't done that, surrendered your life to the plan
of Jesus, then I invite you to do that today. Don't hesitate if it is something
you want.
Because here is the thing. Satan and this world is going to
try and destroy us. There is a false narrative thriving around us. Fear,
hatred, greed, selfishness - the list of sinful traits goes on and on. But what
I see is that they become commonly accepted after events like the attacks on
Paris. They peep their abscessed, boil ridden head out of their dark, damp, and
musty hole at times like these. And for some reason, many are convinced that
the freak of nature is beautiful when all that it brings is death and
destruction.
At the core of this tension there is a conflict between the
false story of the world and the story of restoration in Jesus. There is a
tension between two kingdoms: The Kingdom of God and the Kingdoms of this world
- America in our context. The Kingdom of God teaches us to love strangers and
protect ourselves. The Kingdom of America tells us to protect ourselves. The
Kingdom of God teaches us to leave vengeance to God. The Kingdom of America
tells us to take things into our own hands. Which story do we live buy? Times
like these really challenge us on whether we are willing to follow Jesus even
when we don't want to.
When I first planned this piece, it was going to be much
different than what you just heard. It was going to be a nice story about the
incarnation. About God in flesh. About how we need to be more like that with a
lot of good, touching, and hopefully inspiring stories. But that was before 43
people died in a suicide bombing in Beirut, Lebanon a week ago Thursday. This
was before as many as 129 people died in those nearly surreal attacks in Paris
a week ago Friday. And even Friday, our town had a young man kill himself.
During these times, we struggle to make sense of things. This other message was
before people I know to be Christian cried out for blood and revenge on their
Facebook pages. This was before I talked with friends who I thought shared my
values; values derived from this story we have talked about here today. These
friends are giving into their fear and have turned their backs on refugees who
are crying out for help, suffering from the very violence we are disgusted by.
Many people are following the wrong story at a crucial time in our history.
I had a nice, encouraging piece lined up to start the
Christmas season. But that was before the story of life took a twisted turn. It
was before all these events combined to testify against us. To convict us of
selling out our true story—the story of the incarnation. Of buying into some
tall tale, some fable, some flight of fancy that somehow takes the divine image
away and replaces it with the idol of self. A story where it is more appealing
to be practical than faithful.Like Adam
and Eve we have bought into a story that lies causing us to have these destructive
yet timeless thoughts: “Did God really say that? You can’t be serious. God
can’t be serious. Love your enemies? Pray for those who persecute you? That’s stupid.
It won't work.” From the beginning of time, there has been a little voice in
our head that whispers this message: "You don't really need to be
incarnational - to be like Jesus. You actually don't have time, and it won't
work anyway. So just go back to your own life and try to survive as best as you
can." And even when we fall prey and believe it at times, God is faithful
when we are not and continues to seek restoration.
We need to reclaim His story - our ultimate story. The story
of the incranation. It is God in us. It is God coming into the world, bringing
light, bringing hope, and bringing restoration. If our story is anything other
than that, if we let anything else other than that dictate our thoughts and
actions, then we’ve been deceived. We’ve bought into a false narrative—a false
story.
We need more people like Antoine Leiris who lost his wife
Helene in the violence that shook Paris. He penned a poignant tribute to his
wife on Monday, publishing it on his Facebook page:
“On Friday night you
stole the life of an exceptional being, the love of my life, the mother of my
son, but you won't have my hatred. If this God for which you kill
indiscriminately made us in his own image, every bullet in the body of my wife
will have been a wound in his heart.
So no, I don't give you the gift of hating you. You are asking for it but
responding to hatred with anger would be giving in to the same ignorance that
made you what you are.You want me to be
afraid, to view my fellow countrymen with mistrust, to sacrifice my freedom for
security. You have lost.”
I don’t have all the answers. And I won’t trivialize this
crisis by suggesting that there is some easy solution. This is one of the most
complex and complicated geo-political situations in my lifetime. And it is the
responsibility of the elected leaders to figure out a solution, to enforce
laws, to keep order, to look out for the general welfare of the constituents.
But it is my job, your job, and every Christian’s job to reconcile people to
God. To be God in the flesh to all we encounter. To love people. To pray for
people. To be a light in the darkness. Our world desperately needs to come out
of its dark thinking and neverending cycle of violence. In this depressing,
dark existence, our world needs light--the same light that entered our world
some 2000 years ago. The words of Isaiah can be repeated about our generation,
"They have no dawn." Yet Jesus came into the world to shine a light
and he continues to shine His light through us because we are the image of God.
Jesus became flesh to add an exclamation point to His perfect,
divine story that we are supposed to be part of. He came to kickstart the
process of reconciliation. We have a tendency to think of change through a
top-down approach. In that framework, it is believed that the politicians or
the powers that be need to be convinced of the change that needs to happen in
our society for it to come about. But Jesus had a different story. He brought change
from a bottom-up approach. Through humility rather the worldly instruments of
power. He never once tried to grasp earthly reins of power. Instead, he tried
to change the hearts and the minds of the people around Him.
But if this world is going to be reconciled with God. If it
is going to have its heart changed, that reconciliation must start with us. In
us. The way we live. The way we express ourselves. Following Jesus isn't easy.
Sometimes it is really difficult because the current of the world's story is
trying to pull us under. But Jesus wants us to give Him our all. Jesus wanted
to change the world and He does that by changing the way we live our life day
in and day out.
God became flesh and came to dwell among us as a baby in a
manger. God is the master of creating compelling story. Eventually this led to
the cross. He was willing to go through all of the pain and suffering of life
to reconcile this world to Himself. He was telling a different story. Because
God turns crucifixions into a resurrections.
Restoration is the goal of the incarnation. Jesus wrapped
himself in flesh to put an exclamation point on the story of restoration. We
then turn around and do the same in our world. To our neighbors, to strangers,
even to enemies. We let God wrap us in himself. And through us, God wraps His
love around others. We exemplify a different story by the way we live. Our
humility and living the way God wants us to live is the way the Incranation
becomes real today and changes our world. It's light in the darkness. It's the
broken being repaired. It's restoration. This is our story, and it's not over
yet!
Lately, I have been inundated with one of our society's newest fad beliefs, “Good does not exist.” This belief is not all that new in the history of mankind, but it seems to be gaining ground in our culture. Video games are being filled with decisions where all the options available to a player are either a bad choice or a very bad choice. There is no good option. This message is not confined to the video game culture, although being there is enough to influence a whole segment of minds in our nation.
This concept manifests itself in politics where we usually vote for the lesser of two evils. We settle on the church we attend because it is most in line with what we want to be part of despite its faults. One of my friends has expressed that people only do loving things for selfish reasons. We never seem to have a choice between that which is good and that which is evil.
Chris Hedges, a Pulitzer-Prize winning journalist and a frequent guest on NPR, was asked about war being a moral endeavor. He answered, "The world rarely offers us a choice between the moral and the immoral. It's usually a choice between the immoral and the more immoral. That's why moral decision making is so tough."
Do I always have to choose the lesser of two evils? Is there ever a choice for good?
Our society screams that we must choose the lesser of two evils every day; there is never an option for good. Look at the world around us. It makes sense to say that there really is no good. Life does not appear black and white.
But what if my intellectual struggle with the concept of there actually being a good is just the result of having allowed myself to be absorbed into our culture rather than to stand as a witness for something greater in it?
These beliefs -- that there is no good and we must always choose between lesser degrees of evil -- are going to be prevailing thoughts that we are going to continue to wrestle with, especially if we strive to be disciples of Jesus and hope to help others become the same. We must know in the core of our being and live in such a way that we testify that there is good. Jesus taught, "In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven" (Matthew 5:16). For in living for the good, we draw attention to our Father in heaven.
The Apostle Matthew shared a story about a conversation with Jesus.
And behold, a man came up to him, saying, “Teacher, what good
deed must I do to have eternal life?"
And
he said to him, “Why do you ask me about what is good?
There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the
commandments."
He said to him,
“Which ones?"
And Jesus said, “You shall not murder, You
shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false
witness,Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor
as yourself."
The young man said
to him, “All these I have kept. What do I still lack?"
Jesus said to him, “If you
would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will
have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me."
When the young man heard this he went away
sorrowful, for he had great possessions. And Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly, I say to you, only with difficulty will a rich person
enter the kingdom of heaven.Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the
eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God."
When the disciples heard this, they were
greatly astonished, saying, “Who then can be saved?"
But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are
possible.” (Matthew 19:16-26 ESV).
We must find the good path and walk in it, yet the only good we can ever do is reflect God's ultimate goodness through the lives we live. There is good, but it’s almost never easy to choose. The challenge for us is to be faithful enough that we are willing to sacrifice our own desires and live in the good rather than comfortably choose the lesser of two evils.
I was at work. The phone rang. "Clem's Collectibles.
This is Regan. How can I help you?" It was Dewitt Women's Health. They
told me to meet my wife at the hospital. That was all the information I
received. My mind figured that one of our babies had died. We were expecting
twins. I walked out to the car and started to cry as I put my key in the
ignition. I asked God, "Why? Why does this have to happen?" This was
the first of many times that I repeated that question.
I drove across town and twenty minutes later I arrived at
the hospital. My wife was not there. This was a headache. At this point I still
had no idea what was going on. The hospital called Dewitt Women's Health. They
had told me the wrong instructions. I was supposed to have gone and picked Lindsay
up and drive her to the hospital. I went back down to my car. Turned on the
ignition and continued to cry. I headed towards another side of town.
Upon arriving at Dewitt Women's Health, I went in and gave
Lindsay a big hug. I don't remember what was said. But we proceeded to get in
the car. We probably prayed together. We arrived at the hospital over an hour
after I received that initial call.
All I remember from the hospital that night is the
ultrasound. This was the saddest moment of my life. All of the dreams we had of
the future came crashing down. The death of a baby that is yet to be born is
not just a death of a life that has not taken its first breath of air; it is
the death of every dream you have of the future. Each dream had to be thrown
away and rebuilt. I was still clinging to hope at this point.
I sat in the corner of the semi-lit room. The floor was
cold. The metal on my chair was cold. Everything seemed cold. Lindsay laid on
her back. The ultrasound was out her view, so she looked at me for confirmation
that they might still be alive. At times I would just weep, more inside than
out because I had to be strong for her. For about an hour the ultrasound
technician took photos of the babies. She measured their heads, their hearts,
everything. I kept praying in my dark, cold corner that God would heal them. I
wanted to see them start moving. I wanted them to live so badly. I said,
"I will tell the whole world of this miracle if you would just give life
back to them." They did not move. Lindsay and I left that room broken and
sadder than either of us have ever been in our lives.
In a room in the women's center of the hospital, we could
hear the cry of newborns. The cry of newborns became a background noise that
was bittersweet, way more bitter than sweet. We continued to hear them for the
next few days. I wish they would put people having to give birth to stillborns
in a sound proof room. Those cries were a constant reminder of what we were
losing.
I remember one conversation I had with a new father by the
refrigerator that we were allowed to get snacks and drinks out of. He had no
idea that I was going through hell while he was having one of the best moments
of his life. "Isn't this great?" I replied, "Sure is." I
was short with him, but I also didn't want to ruin his day. I had no idea that
someone in the next room could be giving birth to a still-born when we gave
birth to Isaac, our firstborn. How close joy and sorrow can be baffled me.
The hospital gave my wife a prescription for sleep
medicine and we headed home. Our insurance did not cover the pills. It was a
long ordeal at Meijer. I remember running into Dr. Alvin Kuest, a professor
from our college, and his wife while we were waiting. He was comforting. We sat
and waited in misery. We could have spent $3 for one pill, which is all we
needed, but we had to spend $30 because the prescription was for 10 pills.
Then we went home. We went to bed. I am sure we held each
other in bed and wept. The sleeping pill did not work on Lindsay. I cannot
imagine what it is like to lay there in bed knowing that two lifeless babies
rest inside of you, two babies you already love. At some point during the night
I woke and joined Lindsay who could not sleep. We decided, out of desperation,
to go get some oil and anoint Lindsay with it. We wanted a healing so
desperately. We read Scriptures of healings and Jesus bringing back the dead.
We prayed. It gave us hope that when we would go to the hospital the next day,
the babies would be alive.
(Some times I wonder if we should have had the church over
to do that. Would things have been differently? I have seen God do great things
through the church. I will never know, and I cannot beat myself up for it. I
think it is a good suggestion in the future for anyone dealing with something
like this to include their church in prayer at the earliest possible moment.
Maybe a miracle will happen.)
The next day came. I think the sun barely rose. We asked
for another ultrasound when we arrived at the hospital. They thought it was
ridiculous since they confirmed the death of our babies the day before.
However, the hospital staff will do anything for parents going through what we
were going through to comfort us. They took us back up to the same cold
ultrasound room.
After many tears and prayers, the screens confirmed the
same findings as the night before. No heartbeat. No movement. They were dead.
We proceeded to a delivery room. We were placed in the
same room that we were in after the birth of Isaac. It all seemed so ironic, so
dreamy, so nightmary. They gave Lindsay pills and a drip to induce labor. They
can use much stronger medicine when they do not have to worry about the life of
the baby.
All I remember is waiting. Both sets of our parents
visited. It was hard on everyone. At times when we were alone, I remember
climbing in bed and hugging her, weeping uncontrollably. We spent periods
weeping. Sometimes it was only one of us. Sometimes it was both of us. Other
times it was one of our parents. All the time we could hear the cry of newborns
in the background.
The delivery does not stand out much in my head. It was
not until the 2nd full day in the hospital that they arrived into this world.
They were so small and they came out so easy. However, seeing them was sort of
a blessing and a curse.
This might be disturbing to those who have never given
birth to stillborns. I do not mean to disturb, but I am sure if you have given
birth to stillborns you can relate. We held them. We kissed them. We longed for
them to be alive, to see their lungs move up and down with life. The hospital
gave us a cute little basket to place them in. They sat there at the foot of
the bed for a while. Their bodies were with us about three hours in all.
The basket seemed like the basket Moses was placed in.
Although they were really taken, we had to reach the point where were
comfortable with giving our babies to God. At the risk of being a heretic, we
baptized them. It wasn't for their salvation. It was just a crazy idea that I
came up with that would be an outward sign to God that we were okay with him
taking our babies. Our parents and Isaac joined us in the room as we sprinkled
the babies and shared a prayer together. I wept while leading prayer. Everyone
understood.
That followed with times of uncontrollable weeping. Life
was dreary. We went home. The sadness did not stay at the hospital. A local
funeral home provided free cremation for our babies. We have their ashes in our
living room and plan on burying them with Lindsay when she joins them on the
other side of the grave.
Isaac was a blessing throughout the whole experience.
Without him, it would have been much tougher. Although, with him, we knew what
we were missing by losing the twins.
I remember going back to work. I would just weep when nobody was in the store.
I went back too soon. Life seemed like it would never get back to normal. Every
dream we had was ripped apart. Our future needed to be reconstructed.
Some friends had given us flowers. Some sent us money.
Others sent gift certificates to restaurants. Our church provided us with
meals. Some drove all the way to the other side of town to pick up my car. It
was a time of being loved. Something we desperately needed. We were so
thankful, and still are, of the support that was shown us during that time. The
saddest days of our lives sort of shine because of the love showered on us by
friends and family.
We named our next boy Elisha Zane. Elisha means "God
is generous." Zane means "God's gracious gift." I am looking at
him right now and he is a blessing we have that we would not have if we hadn't
lost the babies.
In memory of Luke Alexander Clem and Logan Nathaniel Clem.
We miss you though we never got to know you.
May this story be an encouragement to others who find
themselves in similar situations.
