I went to the health food store, was looking around, and bought a package of mixed nuts. I looked inside and saw something that I don't see in the mixed nuts that I purchase at Meijer, macadamia nuts. I was happy.
Then I paid for my goods, hopped into the car, opened up my mixed nuts, and began driving. Then it hit me. When the macadamia nut entered my mouth, floods of memories of the holidays of my childhood raced through my mind. Subconscioulsy I associated that flavor with holidays. It was a great experience.
Then I began to wonder about all the things that I associate with certain places or events. Some days I go outside and it smells like the ocean. Whenever I hear Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit", memories of the first time I heard the song at a teen dance flash to my mind. Our senses seem to be connected to our memories. As we go through life, events around us trigger our minds.
That brings me to the central struggle of my life right now. I want every scent, every song, every taste, to ultimately bring me to thoughts of God and his glory. When I have memories of the holidays of my childhood, a teen dance, or of any other event in my life, I want to give God thanks for whatever it was.
I'm still having trouble seeing the positive in one event in the past. I still don't know what to give thanks for concerning the death of our twins, Luke and Logan, a memory that is triggered much more often than any other event in my life. I could give thanks, ala the Pope, for being able to experience a little suffering. But I almost feel that is a copout. I could give thanks concerning how loving the church was to us at that time. What I'm supposed to learn from that experience still eludes me. Maybe I'll never learn on this side of the grave.
I remember going out to get the mail a few days after we left the hospital. The mail lady was there. It was, for me, one of those awkward moments.
She says, "What are you celebrating? You are sure getting a lot of cards?"
I replied, "I wish we were celebrating something. We just gave birth to two still-borns."
She said, "I'm sorry."
I said, "Thanks."
I don't know why I shared that story. I guess it shows how loving people were to us at that time. I don't even know how this post became a post about Luke and Logan. I guess it shows how strong that memory is in my mind. I hope this isn't a sign of a sad, depressing day. But it is sort of a sidetrack from the point, almost worthy of being deleted. But, as you can tell, that didn't happen
So I'm trying to train myself to be consciously in God's presence all day long. I want everything to trigger memories or thoughts of God. Jason's comment in reply to my "Pray Without Ceasing" post was a great idea. Fixed-hour prayer would help me focus on God throughout those days where I'm too busy to even think about anything. Any other suggestions would be helpful.
Watch out for the potholes.
